Confession: I'm not ok with where my life is right now. I'm trying to be. I really love living in the DC area. It's a great city with lots of energy, full of diversity and offering plenty of cultural events.
But I am really struggling with why God has brought me here when it seems like the main reasons I've moved here are still unfulfilled. Some friendships have fallen to the wayside. I've discovered that being back in the States doesn't mean I'm always closer to those I love. That's really hard. I missed the funerals of two of the dearest men I have known, even though I was stateside.
I'm grateful for a job and the ability to provide for myself and be able to support others. I understand that it is a privilege many are still struggling to find. These past few months, I've been learning just how purpose driven I am. I know my ultimate purpose is to glorify God in everything, but I also believe He gives us each a calling. Mine is somehow woven together with economic development, international relief, and spreading the Gospel.
There are moments when that has been confirmed and reassured, but right now it sounds like a distant dream. That idea you had once when you were desperate for an idea, but now that life is comfortable why dream?
Monday, November 12, 2012
Friday, October 5, 2012
Not with Haste
I know it's not quite Thanksgiving time yet, but I am quite simply overwhelmed by the goodness of God right now. Let me rephrase that, I am overwhelmed by God: his faithful, his love, his goodness.
I interviewed for a job this week that I would really love to get. I hope this adventure comes full circle, and I receive the job, but regardless this has been an encouraging and exciting process. God was evident every step of the way bringing along the right people with the right words at the right time. It really is so cool. Each time I retell the story to a friend, I grow excited all over again. Not just at the prospect of this amazing opportunity, but at the faithfulness of God. Who knows if this is perhaps the reason he still has me in DC? I have certainly begged and pleaded for clarity and for the door to open to just leave this area, if that was his will. Finally, the answer seemed to be "wait."
For an impatient, passionate, idealist this was HARD. Really hard. Really really hard.
There were many moments of wrestling with why: why here, why not now, why must I wait???
But God is good, and he is faithful.
Some friends and I are doing a study of the book of Esther. It has challenged and encouraged me to look for God not to flash a neon sign saying "HERE. NOW. DO THIS." But to look for him in the midst of it, and to wait for him to unfold his plan.
As we've gone through the study, written by Beth Moore, we have identified seven statments on why it's "Tough being a woman." As we reach the climax of the story of Esther, where Queen Esther finally tells the King of the plot to kill her people, we see a reversal of destinies. At the same time in the study, we take the seven phrases and flip them around to be conquered by the truth of the Gospel.
My personal favorite: "It's tough being a woman who can balance passion with patience."
The truth of the Gospel is revealed in Isaiah 30:18.
And most importantly, she explained that God is also longing as well.
Beth made the comment that God's patience always involves his passion.
How reassuring to know that it is a good thing to have a longing for something more, and that my God is longing too. And how sweet to know that he sees his promises through.
Hallelujah!
I am so incredibly blessed. With or without this prospective job, I will praise him. My hope is secure, my purpose is sure. My life will not be mediocre, because it rests in his hands.
I interviewed for a job this week that I would really love to get. I hope this adventure comes full circle, and I receive the job, but regardless this has been an encouraging and exciting process. God was evident every step of the way bringing along the right people with the right words at the right time. It really is so cool. Each time I retell the story to a friend, I grow excited all over again. Not just at the prospect of this amazing opportunity, but at the faithfulness of God. Who knows if this is perhaps the reason he still has me in DC? I have certainly begged and pleaded for clarity and for the door to open to just leave this area, if that was his will. Finally, the answer seemed to be "wait."
For an impatient, passionate, idealist this was HARD. Really hard. Really really hard.
There were many moments of wrestling with why: why here, why not now, why must I wait???
But God is good, and he is faithful.
Some friends and I are doing a study of the book of Esther. It has challenged and encouraged me to look for God not to flash a neon sign saying "HERE. NOW. DO THIS." But to look for him in the midst of it, and to wait for him to unfold his plan.
As we've gone through the study, written by Beth Moore, we have identified seven statments on why it's "Tough being a woman." As we reach the climax of the story of Esther, where Queen Esther finally tells the King of the plot to kill her people, we see a reversal of destinies. At the same time in the study, we take the seven phrases and flip them around to be conquered by the truth of the Gospel.
My personal favorite: "It's tough being a woman who can balance passion with patience."
The truth of the Gospel is revealed in Isaiah 30:18.
"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!"Beth explained that the Hebrew for "longs for" and "wait" is the same word, so there must be a connection in the meaning. She made he profound statement that longing is inherent in waiting. It there was no desire for something, the we would simply be watching time move by. This was incredibly freeing for me to realize.
And most importantly, she explained that God is also longing as well.
"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." 2 Peter 3:9Also 2 Timothy 2:13, "If we are faithless, yet he remains faithful - for he cannot deny himself."
Beth made the comment that God's patience always involves his passion.
How reassuring to know that it is a good thing to have a longing for something more, and that my God is longing too. And how sweet to know that he sees his promises through.
Hallelujah!
I am so incredibly blessed. With or without this prospective job, I will praise him. My hope is secure, my purpose is sure. My life will not be mediocre, because it rests in his hands.
Monday, April 2, 2012
You Won't Relent...(Part 2)
I can't leave off on a note of brokenness without testifying of God's grace.
My journey this week has been one of discipline, realizing I've taken my eyes off of Christ and looked instead to the work. And in His deep love for me, He has shown me that and brought me back to Himself.
Brokenness is not a place to give up the fight, but to give up fighting on my own. I wasn't caught up in necessarily bad things. In I was doing what God has called me to, pouring into those around me His love and compassion. But I was doing it on my own. Rest is not a favorite word in my vocabulary, but it is a pretty frequent one in God's.
We say that it's out of the overflow of God in us that we touch other people. We use the metaphor of a cup running dry to indicate our spirits longing for more of God. Maybe you're at a restaurant you like the waiter to make sure you not only have something to drink, but that your cup is full. I have a tendency to drink until the cup runs dry and then refill. While that may be good for my computer battery, it's terrible for my spiritual walk.
Next to my bed is a vase with a flower in it. Mine's fake, but bear with me here. If it were real, and I were trying to keep it alive, I wouldn't allow the vase to run dry before I refilled. The flower would start to droop and fade. I would make sure there was always enough water in the vase to keep the flower going. That's our spiritual walk. It must be constantly maintained and filled, so that we don't run dry.
We are called to continue on...
It requires discipline to maintain this.
Paul warned Timothy,
He will continue to call me higher, and by His strength I can follow.
To close, the title of these two posts comes from this song:
Blessings,
~ Redeemed
Yes, this weekend has been a time of humbling and breaking and realizing once again my own weakness. But in yesterday's sermon on the crucifixion, we not only looked at the significance of the darkness that fell, but also at the supernatural act of the veil separating the Holy Place and the Holy of Holies being torn in two from top to bottom, and of what Jesus cried out on the cross. The veil being torn in two (by GOD!!) demonstrated the work that Christ had done. He had taken the wrath of God on himself, and now access was granted to us by his grace to the throne of God. Additionally, the only question Jesus ever asked God the Father was the one he asked on the cross "My God, my God why have you forsaken me?" (Mark 15:33 - emphasis added).
"Since then we have such a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:14-16As the Gospel was poured out in the worship service yesterday, I heard the truth once again. My eyes were opened to my failing, yet to the mercy of a great God. We're all messed up, but it's when we recognize how messed up we are and how we can do nothing to save ourselves, that we reach the brokenness that God desires. Not because He delights in broken people, but because He delights in hearts that are yielded to Him. When we finally lay down our arms and surrender, He is willing and able to step in and save us.
"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Psalm 51:17To be clear, the first moment of surrendering your all to Christ and accepting His redemption and gift of life is the moment of salvation and a restored relationship with God. A Christian can never lose this. They may doubt, they may question, they may even neglect it, but God has sealed the saved with His spirit and promises never to leave them nor forsake them. It is not us who hold onto God, but God who holds onto us.
My journey this week has been one of discipline, realizing I've taken my eyes off of Christ and looked instead to the work. And in His deep love for me, He has shown me that and brought me back to Himself.
"Have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? 'My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves and chastises every son whom he receives....' For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:5-6,11I've come to him weary of trying to juggle life on my own, despairing of hope for my future, and then disappointed to realize I've not sought my God and trusted in his promises lately. I can wallow in misery here, but that's not his desire. The next verse in Hebrews (12:12) commands,
"Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather by healed."When I think of God carrying me, I used to think of the image of a parent holding a distraught child tightly in their arms or a classic rescue scene with the hero carrying out the limp body of some one precious to him. But right now, when I think of God carrying me, I get this image of soldier fallen to his knees, despairing of the fight, and someone stronger, with a presence that assures of victory, drawing close to the soldier, raising him back to his feet and renewing his strength for the battle.
Brokenness is not a place to give up the fight, but to give up fighting on my own. I wasn't caught up in necessarily bad things. In I was doing what God has called me to, pouring into those around me His love and compassion. But I was doing it on my own. Rest is not a favorite word in my vocabulary, but it is a pretty frequent one in God's.
We say that it's out of the overflow of God in us that we touch other people. We use the metaphor of a cup running dry to indicate our spirits longing for more of God. Maybe you're at a restaurant you like the waiter to make sure you not only have something to drink, but that your cup is full. I have a tendency to drink until the cup runs dry and then refill. While that may be good for my computer battery, it's terrible for my spiritual walk.
Next to my bed is a vase with a flower in it. Mine's fake, but bear with me here. If it were real, and I were trying to keep it alive, I wouldn't allow the vase to run dry before I refilled. The flower would start to droop and fade. I would make sure there was always enough water in the vase to keep the flower going. That's our spiritual walk. It must be constantly maintained and filled, so that we don't run dry.
We are called to continue on...
"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful." Heb. 10:23
"Therefore do no throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised." Heb. 10:35-36
It requires discipline to maintain this.
"Therefore we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it." Heb. 2:1I have seen this week how easily, I succumbed to lies. The fears and doubts that the truth of God equips me to suppress, I let sneak in. And then Satan used others to voice my fears and distress me. Had I been walking in the light, as He is in the light, then I wouldn't have fallen prey to that. Going back to the devotional mentioned in the last post about God asking us to come higher, this is directly related. When you have already taken a step of faith, or many steps of faith, you know that many times God choses to work in ways that don't make sense to the world. If you take your eyes off of Christ, it becomes much harder to tune out your internal fears and external questions. The Devil knows this too. And he will try and use it against you every time.
Paul warned Timothy,
"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses....O Timothy, guard the deposit entrusted to you. Avoid the irrelevant babble and contradictions of what is falsely called "knowledge," for by professing it some have served from the faith." 1 Timothy 6:11, 20He instructs the church in 2 Corinthians,
"For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ," 2. Cor. 10:4-5So this where the week begins for me. Picking back up. Moving ever forward by the grace of God.
He will continue to call me higher, and by His strength I can follow.
To close, the title of these two posts comes from this song:
Blessings,
~ Redeemed
You Won't Relent... (Part 1)
It's been awhile! I though I would chronicle my post-Moldova journey more than I have, but I couldn't seem to grasp quite how to approach this stage of the adventure. It was messy at times and full of it's own share of ups and downs, just like in Moldova. The difference may only be in my motivation to write out the places God's led me through and things He's teaching me. So here's to a renewed focus on Him and a deliberate effort to mark His hand.
This weekend has been rough. The best analogy I can find is that I've been a spinning top caught up by the events of life, needs of friends and new activities. But a top doesn't spin forever, midweek I began that wobbling phase and rolled off the table of composure this weekend.
Several weeks ago, I discovered Psalm 31:5, "For you are my rock and my fortress; and for your name's sake you lead and guide me." As I meditated on that verse, my heart began to repeat back the significance that it held for me: "God, you are the ground beneath me and a wall about me...the ground beneath me and a wall about me." That was such a source of strength and comfort through the next week.
Well, somehow I began to get more and more caught up in what I was going on around me. One friend moving, another friend moving, meet up with this person, touch base with this friend, remember to write a letter to my cousin a officer candidacy school, church membership class, a new director at work. I firmly believe that God has called me to be a faithful friend and to pour out His love at every opportunity He gives. But I began to get swept up in the circumstances.
In a recent reading from My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers lays it out like this:
The result was a misplaced perspective on my external relationships, as well as on my own personal relationship with God. I stopped seeking His face. I snuck a prayer in here and there, but lost the deliberate focus on God my Savior that we all desperately need.
I was becoming weary and exhausted of hearing everyone else's issues. And the more I took on myself, the less time I spent seeking direction and strength from God (you know, aside from desperate "God, please help me" please which really only equated to "Please make this right, because I'm not ready to actually hand it over to you yet." And the less time I spent seeking God, the more opportunity I gave for the Devil to sneak in his lies: "You have no skills. You can't compete here. This job won't get you anywhere. This isn't what you should be doing. You won't make it. God won't be able to use you for anything." Lies. Such obvious lies where you're walking in the Truth.
This morning my pastor preached on the hope we have through Christ's death. He talked about the darkness that covered the land from 12 pm to 3 pm on the day Christ died and the significance of the darkness. It was a supernatural darkness that covered the land, and it was God's judgment on sin. He talked about how disorienting it is to be in pitch black darkness. And then he made a point that really brought it home for me. He said, "The degree to which your life orbits around Christ is the degree to which you are walking in the light, but the degree to which your life orbits around anything other than Christ is the degree to which you are walking in the darkness."
I had begun to orbit around circumstances and roles and obligations. And I began to walk in darkness. In Galations, Paul tells the church, "For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery," and "You were running well. Who hindered you from obeying the truth?" (Gal. 5:1, 7) And when my top finally stopped spinning, and I lost all momentum, Christ was waiting.
This weekend was definite period of breaking.
"Carry Me" by Jenny & Tyler is a beautiful piece for the breaking and the rebuilding.
This weekend has been rough. The best analogy I can find is that I've been a spinning top caught up by the events of life, needs of friends and new activities. But a top doesn't spin forever, midweek I began that wobbling phase and rolled off the table of composure this weekend.
Several weeks ago, I discovered Psalm 31:5, "For you are my rock and my fortress; and for your name's sake you lead and guide me." As I meditated on that verse, my heart began to repeat back the significance that it held for me: "God, you are the ground beneath me and a wall about me...the ground beneath me and a wall about me." That was such a source of strength and comfort through the next week.
Well, somehow I began to get more and more caught up in what I was going on around me. One friend moving, another friend moving, meet up with this person, touch base with this friend, remember to write a letter to my cousin a officer candidacy school, church membership class, a new director at work. I firmly believe that God has called me to be a faithful friend and to pour out His love at every opportunity He gives. But I began to get swept up in the circumstances.
In a recent reading from My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald Chambers lays it out like this:
If you live up to the highest and best that you know in the outer levee of your life, God will continually say to you, "Friend, come up even higher." Here is also a continuing rule in temptation which calls you to go higher, but when you do, you only encounter other temptations and character traits. Both God and Satan use the strategy of elevation, but Satan uses it in temptation, and the effect is quite different. When the devil elevates you to a certain place, he causes you to fasten your idea of what holiness is far beyond what flesh and blood could ever bear or achieve. Your life becomes a spiritual acrobatic performance high atop a steeple. You cling to it, trying to maintain your balance and daring not to move. But when God elevates you by His grace into heavenly places, you find a vast plateau where you can move about with ease."I had entered the acrobatic performance, ceasing to take these burden to God to carry and work His grace through me, and instead taking it upon myself and falling into a huge, deceptive pit of obligation, instead of true love.
The result was a misplaced perspective on my external relationships, as well as on my own personal relationship with God. I stopped seeking His face. I snuck a prayer in here and there, but lost the deliberate focus on God my Savior that we all desperately need.
I was becoming weary and exhausted of hearing everyone else's issues. And the more I took on myself, the less time I spent seeking direction and strength from God (you know, aside from desperate "God, please help me" please which really only equated to "Please make this right, because I'm not ready to actually hand it over to you yet." And the less time I spent seeking God, the more opportunity I gave for the Devil to sneak in his lies: "You have no skills. You can't compete here. This job won't get you anywhere. This isn't what you should be doing. You won't make it. God won't be able to use you for anything." Lies. Such obvious lies where you're walking in the Truth.
This morning my pastor preached on the hope we have through Christ's death. He talked about the darkness that covered the land from 12 pm to 3 pm on the day Christ died and the significance of the darkness. It was a supernatural darkness that covered the land, and it was God's judgment on sin. He talked about how disorienting it is to be in pitch black darkness. And then he made a point that really brought it home for me. He said, "The degree to which your life orbits around Christ is the degree to which you are walking in the light, but the degree to which your life orbits around anything other than Christ is the degree to which you are walking in the darkness."
I had begun to orbit around circumstances and roles and obligations. And I began to walk in darkness. In Galations, Paul tells the church, "For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery," and "You were running well. Who hindered you from obeying the truth?" (Gal. 5:1, 7) And when my top finally stopped spinning, and I lost all momentum, Christ was waiting.
This weekend was definite period of breaking.
"Carry Me" by Jenny & Tyler is a beautiful piece for the breaking and the rebuilding.
Broken-hearted I come,
My cup is empty, my mouth is dry.
See how quickly I fall,
Burdened with darkness,
Heavy in lies.
I want to cry, but I can't.
I try to stand, but I fall down again.
I need You to carry me,
I need You to carry me,
I need You to carry me,
When I am weak.
Oh this can't be enough,
To just say I'm sorry,
To confess my fault.
When I've hurt you so much,
And now I am asking
For you to do more
I want to cry, but I can't
I try to stand, but I fall down again.
I need You to carry me,
I need You to carry me,
I need You to carry me,
When I am weak.
I'm always weak...
When I first met you I drew you in close to me.
Your weakness covered by strength and security.
I've never left you, nor will I ever leave.
Child believe, child believe.
But you are strong...
When I first met you I drew you in close to me.
Your weakness covered by strength and security.
I've never left you, nor will I ever leave.
Child believe, child believe.
I need You to carry me,
I need You to carry me,
I need You to carry me,
When I am weak.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Farther Along
It's been a day. One of those where nothing utterly devastating happens, but everything that does happen is somehow not quite right.
I talked to one of my older people's this past weekend, and Mrs. Francis says as she always does, "Whatchoo know?" where most people would ask "How are you?" The one resounding lesson I've learned over the past year and a half, and the only thing I truly know, is God is faithful.
Some days it's harder to remember how that affects what I do and how I do it. Today everything felt futile. I spend all day at my job trying to be patient and understanding with the members who call in with questions. Sometimes it's almost a game to me to see how long I can go on politely rewording "I can't help you, but let me transfer you to someone who can." While it's an amusing exercise, it's much harder to play that charade with yourself.
Instead of patiently and optimistically reassuring myself, I got honest. This job should not be that stressful. In and of itself, it's not that big a deal. It's only stressful because I'm trying to do more with the position than is required. This job is really just meant to be simple administrative work. But the truth is admin work bores me. I unconsciously start trying to figure out better ways to do things.Maybe I should give up and resign myself to quietly doing only what is asked of me. Why do I continue to hope that if I try my hardest, it'll make a difference?
The frustration isn't limited to my work though. It kills me that somehow the fact that I've been led to live in a different place equates to the idea that I'm too busy and caught up in my-supposed-life to care about people who mean the world to me. It just seems like, why do I try to maintain these relationships when the response is incredulous surprise when I call to catch up? That's the hardest thing about moving away. Convincing people that moving away does not equal moving on.
It's not just those separated by distance. For some reason, God won't let me walk away from my friendship with Brandon. It would be so much easier too. In this season of our lives, I know I can't expect any thing back, but God is showing me what it means to be the broken bread and poured out wine for His glory. Learning isn't always easy though. Particularly in a culture that says it's desperate, reckless, or foolish to give without expectation. Have you noticed that? Our culture is so caught up in entitlements: "I deserve to be treated this way," "I've earned such and such," "I'm have a right to ....."
In Romans, Paul implores the early Church, "I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Following this comes a whole list of examples of how life first offered in sacrifice to God, then renewed and transformed by the gift of the Holy Spirit results in a life that's counter-cultural. The cool part? A counter-cultural life can be the greatest demonstration of the incomprehensible love of God.
Philippians 2:5-7 "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant." That verse than continues on to explain the great depth of Christ's servitude and obedience. "Being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heave and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." (Philippians 2:8-11)
That's helped pull me out of my place of self-deprecation. This is right. I am to be poured out and broken for Him. All for His glory, through His strength, compelled by His steadfast love and abounding mercy.
My favorite song at the moment is an updated hymn:
I talked to one of my older people's this past weekend, and Mrs. Francis says as she always does, "Whatchoo know?" where most people would ask "How are you?" The one resounding lesson I've learned over the past year and a half, and the only thing I truly know, is God is faithful.
Some days it's harder to remember how that affects what I do and how I do it. Today everything felt futile. I spend all day at my job trying to be patient and understanding with the members who call in with questions. Sometimes it's almost a game to me to see how long I can go on politely rewording "I can't help you, but let me transfer you to someone who can." While it's an amusing exercise, it's much harder to play that charade with yourself.
Instead of patiently and optimistically reassuring myself, I got honest. This job should not be that stressful. In and of itself, it's not that big a deal. It's only stressful because I'm trying to do more with the position than is required. This job is really just meant to be simple administrative work. But the truth is admin work bores me. I unconsciously start trying to figure out better ways to do things.Maybe I should give up and resign myself to quietly doing only what is asked of me. Why do I continue to hope that if I try my hardest, it'll make a difference?
The frustration isn't limited to my work though. It kills me that somehow the fact that I've been led to live in a different place equates to the idea that I'm too busy and caught up in my-supposed-life to care about people who mean the world to me. It just seems like, why do I try to maintain these relationships when the response is incredulous surprise when I call to catch up? That's the hardest thing about moving away. Convincing people that moving away does not equal moving on.
It's not just those separated by distance. For some reason, God won't let me walk away from my friendship with Brandon. It would be so much easier too. In this season of our lives, I know I can't expect any thing back, but God is showing me what it means to be the broken bread and poured out wine for His glory. Learning isn't always easy though. Particularly in a culture that says it's desperate, reckless, or foolish to give without expectation. Have you noticed that? Our culture is so caught up in entitlements: "I deserve to be treated this way," "I've earned such and such," "I'm have a right to ....."
In Romans, Paul implores the early Church, "I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Following this comes a whole list of examples of how life first offered in sacrifice to God, then renewed and transformed by the gift of the Holy Spirit results in a life that's counter-cultural. The cool part? A counter-cultural life can be the greatest demonstration of the incomprehensible love of God.
Philippians 2:5-7 "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant." That verse than continues on to explain the great depth of Christ's servitude and obedience. "Being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death - even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heave and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." (Philippians 2:8-11)
That's helped pull me out of my place of self-deprecation. This is right. I am to be poured out and broken for Him. All for His glory, through His strength, compelled by His steadfast love and abounding mercy.
My favorite song at the moment is an updated hymn:
"Farther along we'll know all about it,
Farther along we'll understand why.
So cheer up my brothers,
Live in the sunshine.
We'll understand this, all by and by.
Tempted and tried, I wondered
Why the good man dies, bad man thrives,
And Jesus cries because he loves them both.
We're all castaways in need of rope,
Hanging by the last threads of our hope.
In a house of mirrors full of smoke.
Confusion, Illusions, I've seen.
And where did I go wrong?
I sang along to every chorus of the song
That the Devil wrote like a piper at the gates
Leading mice and men down to their fates.
But some will courageously escape
The seductive voice with a heart of faith
While walkin' that line back home.
So much more to life than we've been told
It's full of beauty that will unfold
And shine like you struck gold, my wayward son.
That deadweight burden weighs a ton.
Go down to the river and let it run
And wash away all the things you've done
Forgiveness alright
Farther along, we'll know all about it
Farther along, we'll understand why
So cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We'll understand this, all by and by
Still I get hard press on every side
Between the rock and a compromise
Like the truth and pack of lies fightin' for my soul
And I've go no place left to go
Cause I got changed by what I've been shown
More glory than the world has know
Keeps me ramblin' on
Skipping like a calf loosed from its stall
I'm free to love once and for all
And even when I fall I'll get back up
For the joy that overflows my cup
Heaven filled me with more than enough
Broke down my levee and my bluff
Let the flood wash me
And one day when the sky rolls back on us
Some rejoice and the others fuss
Cause every knee must bow and tongue confess
That the Son of God is forever blessed
His is the kingdom, we're the guests
So put your voice up to the test
Sing, "Lord, come soon"
Farther along, we'll know all about it
Farther along, we'll understand why
So cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We'll understand this, all by and by"
Josh Garrels
Blessings,
Emily
Monday, January 16, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Horrible, Unplanned, Beautiful Victory
I've been procrastinating on posting again for far too long. Pretty much since I hit American soil to be honest. Yeah, yeah, I posted once or twice, but I was a mess. A legitimate up one day, down the other, moving to one city, or maybe another, defeated one second, hopeful the next, an all around mess.
And I didn't want to write about that. I mean, what do you say? "Hey guys, I'm a wreck. Wanna watch?"
I don't think so. Of course, far beyond my realm of control, many of you did see that. And I know many of you prayed. Prayer works. Not always when we want it to or how we want it to or even in a positive alternative that makes sense as a decent back-up sorta way....
Prayer isn't a wish-list for Santa Clause, thought we often treat it that way. My Jesus wore a different suit of red when he gave all to save my tired, ragged soul. His joy is more enduring and hopeful than a thousand, "Ho ho who's."
Prayer isn't a "Who's who" game where you guess and guess, and if you finally ask just right, you might chose the same result, God wants and you win.
Prayer doesn't always feel like a powerful tool to accomplish great things.
Prayer is hard.
I wish I remembered who shared this lesson, but it struck me as pivotal both at that moment and still now. The point was prayer is not about getting anything or asking for the right things. It's not even about us accomplishing great things. It's about coming close to God, drawing near to God that he may draw near to you (James 4:8) and allowing that nearness to become a place of honesty and openness wherein God begins to shape us to have his heart.
Yes, sometimes we still want the prayer answered our way, but the journey can change you and though the answer finally comes, we find the change in ourselves to be the bigger answer.
I feel like I'm writing in rambling analogies. I don't want to be vague. I want to speak the Truth and realness of Christ with clarity. This quote comes from a missionary to Papua New Guinea. His story was put into a documentary called "Two Hats." The film begins with a sweeping view of the region slowing down to capture images of the people bustling through open air markets and skipping to people in villages. Seeing the images that captured this man's heart, you begin to hear his prayer over these people and over his own life and as he sums up the emotions running through him, he closes with the simplest plea, "God, help me to understand....so that I might be understood....and make your message clear."
I love that (for a lot of reasons), but honestly, I haven't understood the whys or whens or hows in my life. But I'm slowing beginning to understand the faithfulness and the love of my God. And as I begin to understand Him, I hope that somehow through the mess of me, He is clear and his message of life and hope are clear.
I am now in a much more stable place. I share a condo with a very sweet roommate (though I am looking to move a little closer to the city) and I have a job that pays the bills. I have internet and a cell phone so I can somehow keep up with everyone dear in my life. You know, the basics. Those are ok.
But there are still a lot of questions in my head. I still wonder why I'm in corporate America. Why I've been given a pretty comfortable lifestyle. This isn't what I wanted. I wanted to be the sacrificial one that gives it all up to go serve other people. I want to be the roll-her-sleeves up, get down in the dirt and actually make a difference person. I wanted to forget a good paying job, forget Starbucks and television, promotions, and the classic middle-class American life. I don't want the possibility of becoming a wildly successful CEO or brilliant financial genius. I want to be undistracted, completely given to people.
That's all I want.
I thought that meant I should move to Sudan, figure out someway to live with meager material goods, work around the clock because I'm so passionate about my work, and give all my energy and time and focus to whatever that "cause" I become part of turns out to be. Which, of course, would hopefully involve messy logistical projects and coordinating work between two continents and hopefully some finance too. In my mind, I should be an associate for an international development company, preferably in contract management, proposal development, or a regional focus, and after years of working all the time and traveling everywhere I would be the regional director for an ID firm dealing with clean water provisions or economic development. You know, either one ;)
Yeah.
Instead, I am incredibly blessed with an almost 9-5 job, time to go home and see family, a safe clean location in my own country, and so so so many choices. And as much as I have begged and pleaded and questioned God over the past three months, I've starting to soften. I'm great at having a plan and a list of steps to get it done. But God keeps changing those plans. I don't think His answer is a no. Deep desires are usually a gift from him, not a whim of the moment. So eventually I may be able to work in development full time again. Right now the answer is: "Wait on me. Listen for a while. Let me prepare you for other things."
So I'm going to this new job with eagerness. It is a good fit for me. It's a check on my pride and check on my stability too. There are moments I catch myself belittling the receptionist part of my job, and moments where I think I could handle the directorship of this association. But there are things to be learned in doing the simplest of roles and things to be learned in working under someone with more years of experience. These are some of the things I know are shaping me now.
I came back to the States running full force. I wanted a job as soon as I landed, because I didn't want to stop. Abba is wiser and let me literally cry myself to exhaustion until I fell asleep. And even in the middle of that struggle, I could the image of a parent saying to their toddler, "I know you don't want to rest right now, but you need to." I fought so hard not to let go of my idea of success in Him, but I needed to learn to let go.
And finally, in the spirit of New Year's and all the well-intentioned resolutions, I started thinking about priorities. I even ventured to challenge a friend about his priorities. Then it hit me. I've never actually had priorities. I've had one priority: do everything. Which, by the way, doesn't work. It's this obnoxious thing called humanity blocking our way. Trust me, I've tried.
January 2012 doesn't look quite like I thought it would, but it is a fresh path on this journey and while the victory I was looking for, isn't here yet, there is victory over doubt and fear and pride and all that tries to destroy our faith. Thank you God for holding on when I've been ready to let go!
And I didn't want to write about that. I mean, what do you say? "Hey guys, I'm a wreck. Wanna watch?"
I don't think so. Of course, far beyond my realm of control, many of you did see that. And I know many of you prayed. Prayer works. Not always when we want it to or how we want it to or even in a positive alternative that makes sense as a decent back-up sorta way....
Prayer isn't a wish-list for Santa Clause, thought we often treat it that way. My Jesus wore a different suit of red when he gave all to save my tired, ragged soul. His joy is more enduring and hopeful than a thousand, "Ho ho who's."
Prayer isn't a "Who's who" game where you guess and guess, and if you finally ask just right, you might chose the same result, God wants and you win.
Prayer doesn't always feel like a powerful tool to accomplish great things.
Prayer is hard.
I wish I remembered who shared this lesson, but it struck me as pivotal both at that moment and still now. The point was prayer is not about getting anything or asking for the right things. It's not even about us accomplishing great things. It's about coming close to God, drawing near to God that he may draw near to you (James 4:8) and allowing that nearness to become a place of honesty and openness wherein God begins to shape us to have his heart.
Yes, sometimes we still want the prayer answered our way, but the journey can change you and though the answer finally comes, we find the change in ourselves to be the bigger answer.
I feel like I'm writing in rambling analogies. I don't want to be vague. I want to speak the Truth and realness of Christ with clarity. This quote comes from a missionary to Papua New Guinea. His story was put into a documentary called "Two Hats." The film begins with a sweeping view of the region slowing down to capture images of the people bustling through open air markets and skipping to people in villages. Seeing the images that captured this man's heart, you begin to hear his prayer over these people and over his own life and as he sums up the emotions running through him, he closes with the simplest plea, "God, help me to understand....so that I might be understood....and make your message clear."
I love that (for a lot of reasons), but honestly, I haven't understood the whys or whens or hows in my life. But I'm slowing beginning to understand the faithfulness and the love of my God. And as I begin to understand Him, I hope that somehow through the mess of me, He is clear and his message of life and hope are clear.
I am now in a much more stable place. I share a condo with a very sweet roommate (though I am looking to move a little closer to the city) and I have a job that pays the bills. I have internet and a cell phone so I can somehow keep up with everyone dear in my life. You know, the basics. Those are ok.
But there are still a lot of questions in my head. I still wonder why I'm in corporate America. Why I've been given a pretty comfortable lifestyle. This isn't what I wanted. I wanted to be the sacrificial one that gives it all up to go serve other people. I want to be the roll-her-sleeves up, get down in the dirt and actually make a difference person. I wanted to forget a good paying job, forget Starbucks and television, promotions, and the classic middle-class American life. I don't want the possibility of becoming a wildly successful CEO or brilliant financial genius. I want to be undistracted, completely given to people.
That's all I want.
I thought that meant I should move to Sudan, figure out someway to live with meager material goods, work around the clock because I'm so passionate about my work, and give all my energy and time and focus to whatever that "cause" I become part of turns out to be. Which, of course, would hopefully involve messy logistical projects and coordinating work between two continents and hopefully some finance too. In my mind, I should be an associate for an international development company, preferably in contract management, proposal development, or a regional focus, and after years of working all the time and traveling everywhere I would be the regional director for an ID firm dealing with clean water provisions or economic development. You know, either one ;)
Yeah.
Instead, I am incredibly blessed with an almost 9-5 job, time to go home and see family, a safe clean location in my own country, and so so so many choices. And as much as I have begged and pleaded and questioned God over the past three months, I've starting to soften. I'm great at having a plan and a list of steps to get it done. But God keeps changing those plans. I don't think His answer is a no. Deep desires are usually a gift from him, not a whim of the moment. So eventually I may be able to work in development full time again. Right now the answer is: "Wait on me. Listen for a while. Let me prepare you for other things."
So I'm going to this new job with eagerness. It is a good fit for me. It's a check on my pride and check on my stability too. There are moments I catch myself belittling the receptionist part of my job, and moments where I think I could handle the directorship of this association. But there are things to be learned in doing the simplest of roles and things to be learned in working under someone with more years of experience. These are some of the things I know are shaping me now.
I came back to the States running full force. I wanted a job as soon as I landed, because I didn't want to stop. Abba is wiser and let me literally cry myself to exhaustion until I fell asleep. And even in the middle of that struggle, I could the image of a parent saying to their toddler, "I know you don't want to rest right now, but you need to." I fought so hard not to let go of my idea of success in Him, but I needed to learn to let go.
And finally, in the spirit of New Year's and all the well-intentioned resolutions, I started thinking about priorities. I even ventured to challenge a friend about his priorities. Then it hit me. I've never actually had priorities. I've had one priority: do everything. Which, by the way, doesn't work. It's this obnoxious thing called humanity blocking our way. Trust me, I've tried.
January 2012 doesn't look quite like I thought it would, but it is a fresh path on this journey and while the victory I was looking for, isn't here yet, there is victory over doubt and fear and pride and all that tries to destroy our faith. Thank you God for holding on when I've been ready to let go!
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