Monday, January 16, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Horrible, Unplanned, Beautiful Victory
I've been procrastinating on posting again for far too long. Pretty much since I hit American soil to be honest. Yeah, yeah, I posted once or twice, but I was a mess. A legitimate up one day, down the other, moving to one city, or maybe another, defeated one second, hopeful the next, an all around mess.
And I didn't want to write about that. I mean, what do you say? "Hey guys, I'm a wreck. Wanna watch?"
I don't think so. Of course, far beyond my realm of control, many of you did see that. And I know many of you prayed. Prayer works. Not always when we want it to or how we want it to or even in a positive alternative that makes sense as a decent back-up sorta way....
Prayer isn't a wish-list for Santa Clause, thought we often treat it that way. My Jesus wore a different suit of red when he gave all to save my tired, ragged soul. His joy is more enduring and hopeful than a thousand, "Ho ho who's."
Prayer isn't a "Who's who" game where you guess and guess, and if you finally ask just right, you might chose the same result, God wants and you win.
Prayer doesn't always feel like a powerful tool to accomplish great things.
Prayer is hard.
I wish I remembered who shared this lesson, but it struck me as pivotal both at that moment and still now. The point was prayer is not about getting anything or asking for the right things. It's not even about us accomplishing great things. It's about coming close to God, drawing near to God that he may draw near to you (James 4:8) and allowing that nearness to become a place of honesty and openness wherein God begins to shape us to have his heart.
Yes, sometimes we still want the prayer answered our way, but the journey can change you and though the answer finally comes, we find the change in ourselves to be the bigger answer.
I feel like I'm writing in rambling analogies. I don't want to be vague. I want to speak the Truth and realness of Christ with clarity. This quote comes from a missionary to Papua New Guinea. His story was put into a documentary called "Two Hats." The film begins with a sweeping view of the region slowing down to capture images of the people bustling through open air markets and skipping to people in villages. Seeing the images that captured this man's heart, you begin to hear his prayer over these people and over his own life and as he sums up the emotions running through him, he closes with the simplest plea, "God, help me to understand....so that I might be understood....and make your message clear."
I love that (for a lot of reasons), but honestly, I haven't understood the whys or whens or hows in my life. But I'm slowing beginning to understand the faithfulness and the love of my God. And as I begin to understand Him, I hope that somehow through the mess of me, He is clear and his message of life and hope are clear.
I am now in a much more stable place. I share a condo with a very sweet roommate (though I am looking to move a little closer to the city) and I have a job that pays the bills. I have internet and a cell phone so I can somehow keep up with everyone dear in my life. You know, the basics. Those are ok.
But there are still a lot of questions in my head. I still wonder why I'm in corporate America. Why I've been given a pretty comfortable lifestyle. This isn't what I wanted. I wanted to be the sacrificial one that gives it all up to go serve other people. I want to be the roll-her-sleeves up, get down in the dirt and actually make a difference person. I wanted to forget a good paying job, forget Starbucks and television, promotions, and the classic middle-class American life. I don't want the possibility of becoming a wildly successful CEO or brilliant financial genius. I want to be undistracted, completely given to people.
That's all I want.
I thought that meant I should move to Sudan, figure out someway to live with meager material goods, work around the clock because I'm so passionate about my work, and give all my energy and time and focus to whatever that "cause" I become part of turns out to be. Which, of course, would hopefully involve messy logistical projects and coordinating work between two continents and hopefully some finance too. In my mind, I should be an associate for an international development company, preferably in contract management, proposal development, or a regional focus, and after years of working all the time and traveling everywhere I would be the regional director for an ID firm dealing with clean water provisions or economic development. You know, either one ;)
Yeah.
Instead, I am incredibly blessed with an almost 9-5 job, time to go home and see family, a safe clean location in my own country, and so so so many choices. And as much as I have begged and pleaded and questioned God over the past three months, I've starting to soften. I'm great at having a plan and a list of steps to get it done. But God keeps changing those plans. I don't think His answer is a no. Deep desires are usually a gift from him, not a whim of the moment. So eventually I may be able to work in development full time again. Right now the answer is: "Wait on me. Listen for a while. Let me prepare you for other things."
So I'm going to this new job with eagerness. It is a good fit for me. It's a check on my pride and check on my stability too. There are moments I catch myself belittling the receptionist part of my job, and moments where I think I could handle the directorship of this association. But there are things to be learned in doing the simplest of roles and things to be learned in working under someone with more years of experience. These are some of the things I know are shaping me now.
I came back to the States running full force. I wanted a job as soon as I landed, because I didn't want to stop. Abba is wiser and let me literally cry myself to exhaustion until I fell asleep. And even in the middle of that struggle, I could the image of a parent saying to their toddler, "I know you don't want to rest right now, but you need to." I fought so hard not to let go of my idea of success in Him, but I needed to learn to let go.
And finally, in the spirit of New Year's and all the well-intentioned resolutions, I started thinking about priorities. I even ventured to challenge a friend about his priorities. Then it hit me. I've never actually had priorities. I've had one priority: do everything. Which, by the way, doesn't work. It's this obnoxious thing called humanity blocking our way. Trust me, I've tried.
January 2012 doesn't look quite like I thought it would, but it is a fresh path on this journey and while the victory I was looking for, isn't here yet, there is victory over doubt and fear and pride and all that tries to destroy our faith. Thank you God for holding on when I've been ready to let go!
And I didn't want to write about that. I mean, what do you say? "Hey guys, I'm a wreck. Wanna watch?"
I don't think so. Of course, far beyond my realm of control, many of you did see that. And I know many of you prayed. Prayer works. Not always when we want it to or how we want it to or even in a positive alternative that makes sense as a decent back-up sorta way....
Prayer isn't a wish-list for Santa Clause, thought we often treat it that way. My Jesus wore a different suit of red when he gave all to save my tired, ragged soul. His joy is more enduring and hopeful than a thousand, "Ho ho who's."
Prayer isn't a "Who's who" game where you guess and guess, and if you finally ask just right, you might chose the same result, God wants and you win.
Prayer doesn't always feel like a powerful tool to accomplish great things.
Prayer is hard.
I wish I remembered who shared this lesson, but it struck me as pivotal both at that moment and still now. The point was prayer is not about getting anything or asking for the right things. It's not even about us accomplishing great things. It's about coming close to God, drawing near to God that he may draw near to you (James 4:8) and allowing that nearness to become a place of honesty and openness wherein God begins to shape us to have his heart.
Yes, sometimes we still want the prayer answered our way, but the journey can change you and though the answer finally comes, we find the change in ourselves to be the bigger answer.
I feel like I'm writing in rambling analogies. I don't want to be vague. I want to speak the Truth and realness of Christ with clarity. This quote comes from a missionary to Papua New Guinea. His story was put into a documentary called "Two Hats." The film begins with a sweeping view of the region slowing down to capture images of the people bustling through open air markets and skipping to people in villages. Seeing the images that captured this man's heart, you begin to hear his prayer over these people and over his own life and as he sums up the emotions running through him, he closes with the simplest plea, "God, help me to understand....so that I might be understood....and make your message clear."
I love that (for a lot of reasons), but honestly, I haven't understood the whys or whens or hows in my life. But I'm slowing beginning to understand the faithfulness and the love of my God. And as I begin to understand Him, I hope that somehow through the mess of me, He is clear and his message of life and hope are clear.
I am now in a much more stable place. I share a condo with a very sweet roommate (though I am looking to move a little closer to the city) and I have a job that pays the bills. I have internet and a cell phone so I can somehow keep up with everyone dear in my life. You know, the basics. Those are ok.
But there are still a lot of questions in my head. I still wonder why I'm in corporate America. Why I've been given a pretty comfortable lifestyle. This isn't what I wanted. I wanted to be the sacrificial one that gives it all up to go serve other people. I want to be the roll-her-sleeves up, get down in the dirt and actually make a difference person. I wanted to forget a good paying job, forget Starbucks and television, promotions, and the classic middle-class American life. I don't want the possibility of becoming a wildly successful CEO or brilliant financial genius. I want to be undistracted, completely given to people.
That's all I want.
I thought that meant I should move to Sudan, figure out someway to live with meager material goods, work around the clock because I'm so passionate about my work, and give all my energy and time and focus to whatever that "cause" I become part of turns out to be. Which, of course, would hopefully involve messy logistical projects and coordinating work between two continents and hopefully some finance too. In my mind, I should be an associate for an international development company, preferably in contract management, proposal development, or a regional focus, and after years of working all the time and traveling everywhere I would be the regional director for an ID firm dealing with clean water provisions or economic development. You know, either one ;)
Yeah.
Instead, I am incredibly blessed with an almost 9-5 job, time to go home and see family, a safe clean location in my own country, and so so so many choices. And as much as I have begged and pleaded and questioned God over the past three months, I've starting to soften. I'm great at having a plan and a list of steps to get it done. But God keeps changing those plans. I don't think His answer is a no. Deep desires are usually a gift from him, not a whim of the moment. So eventually I may be able to work in development full time again. Right now the answer is: "Wait on me. Listen for a while. Let me prepare you for other things."
So I'm going to this new job with eagerness. It is a good fit for me. It's a check on my pride and check on my stability too. There are moments I catch myself belittling the receptionist part of my job, and moments where I think I could handle the directorship of this association. But there are things to be learned in doing the simplest of roles and things to be learned in working under someone with more years of experience. These are some of the things I know are shaping me now.
I came back to the States running full force. I wanted a job as soon as I landed, because I didn't want to stop. Abba is wiser and let me literally cry myself to exhaustion until I fell asleep. And even in the middle of that struggle, I could the image of a parent saying to their toddler, "I know you don't want to rest right now, but you need to." I fought so hard not to let go of my idea of success in Him, but I needed to learn to let go.
And finally, in the spirit of New Year's and all the well-intentioned resolutions, I started thinking about priorities. I even ventured to challenge a friend about his priorities. Then it hit me. I've never actually had priorities. I've had one priority: do everything. Which, by the way, doesn't work. It's this obnoxious thing called humanity blocking our way. Trust me, I've tried.
January 2012 doesn't look quite like I thought it would, but it is a fresh path on this journey and while the victory I was looking for, isn't here yet, there is victory over doubt and fear and pride and all that tries to destroy our faith. Thank you God for holding on when I've been ready to let go!
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