Grad School Has Ruined Me

I’m not in the habit of dedicating posts, but this one is dedicated to my “other brother.” Right about a year ago, I was sitting in ya’lls' living room in Brazil, and we were discussing my plan to go back to school for a masters degree.  “Em....*insert head shake*...really? I just don’t think it’s a good idea,” was the reaction. You feared it would ruin me.

Well, I concede (but only because it’s your b-day still on the west coast): You were right.

Grad school was a terrible idea, and it has most definitely ruined me.

But lest someone think this is a horribly bitter sarcastic post, let me assure you, it’s ruined me in the best sort of way.

When I first arrived at Brandeis International Business School, I was thrilled. It was absolutely perfect for me. The cultural diversity, the breadth of experiences our cohort possessed, the excitement over what we would study and what we would do to change the world with our sharpened knowledge and broadened networks. The ideas, the opportunity to explore the world through the lens of economics and finance. It was also just so me. 

How quickly the excitement fades and the shiny newness of it all turns into an annoying glare.

I became overwhelmed in ways I didn’t expect. Not from intense head-scratching to understand some deep concept, but from little dumb things like not having a “normal” routine anymore, not having a job with a paycheck, not being able to call my best friend for an impromptu trip to Red Robins after a long week. Not understanding New Englanders or why one way streets are so widely popular here. Trying to stay connected and involved with the pieces of my life that simply weren’t connected to my life at Brandeis. It’s the little things, or so we call them, that always seem to wear us out the most. But then community, a sense of purpose, financial stability, and a healthy lifestyle are far from little things.

Back to my story, I went from this phase of doe-eyed bliss to this jaded, stressed out phase of just trying to figure things out (things being mostly standard deviations which I haven’t bothered with in years and the roadways of Massachusetts, at least I’ve figured out the former).

Then came midterms.

They were awful. Completely awful. I hated grad school. I still hate accounting.

Ok, ok, I didn’t hate grad school. I hated not measuring up to my own expectations. I was supposed to be a bright, successful student. But midterms left me wondering why I picked this program and how in the world they picked me. This was a total mistake. And from there proceeded a long slew of terrible depressing thoughts that need not be aired.

In a state of just complete brokenness, both too angry and too exhausted, I messaged my best friend (side note, props to all the best friends out there who understand that tears can make a phone call too hard and thus patiently deal with the less than ideal texting conversation). I would like to say I calmly poured my heart out to her because that sounds graceful. But truthfully, I dumped my brokenness on her proverbial doorstop.

The conversation went something like this :

 “Everything in my life is falling apart!!!” *Insert long list of things going wrong*

“Hey, it’s going to be ok!”

“Um, I don’t think you understand....I can’t fix anything!!! I’m a complete mess!”

Said my amazing best friend: “What an excellent clean slate for God to use." 

Boom.

I learned as a teen to look for the “but’s” in the Bible, because that’s where the situation was about to change. This is the “but” in my story. This is the part where God leans in and says, “Hey, remember me? I’m the One who sent you there, and this really isn’t all about you.”

I am slowing reading through Jeremiah during this season; the passage I happened to be at, following my conversation with most-amazing-best-friend, was Jeremiah 17. I was reading along and came to this passage:

 Thus says the LORD: "Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the LORD. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land. 

Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:5-8

I have to admit, I want to identify myself with the blessed man, planted by the water. I like that imagery. I recognize the inherent goodness of that. And I’m a Christian. Surely my affiliation makes me more like the blessed man than the cursed man.

And yet as I read it, and re-read it, I realized with brokenness that I was the cursed man. It was a choice, not a covered-by-association matter. My trust was in me. No wonder I was frustrated and disappointed. This story, both this little window into my awakenings, and the larger story of my life is not actually about me. It’s about a God, perfect in His design, just in His wrath, and gracious in His love and redemption of us His wayward, stubborn creation.

I thought back over the situations in which I had become frustrated lately, and realized that I was focused on what I wanted in each situation rather than looking expectantly for what God is doing through each scenario. And let me tell ya, God will not be restricted to working only in ways that make perfect sense to us.

Today I was picked back up in Jeremiah and read Jeremiah 18:1-5.

The word that came to Jeremiah from the LORD: “Arise, and go down to the potter’s house, and there I will let you hear my words.” So I went down to the potter’s house, and there he was working at his wheel. And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter’s hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do. 

Then the word of the LORD came to me: “O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter has done? declares the LORD. Behold, like the clay in the potter’s hand, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel.” 

So big brother, I admit grad school has ruined me. It’s crushed my self-dependence like nothing before. It was a terrible idea if ever I thought this was actually a story about me. But praise be to a relentless God who carefully reworks his people to reflect more and more of himself.  Thanks for showing me that brokenness isn’t the end of the story.

 “Thus says the LORD: ‘Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight,' declares the LORD.” Jeremiah 9:23-24

Past the Equator and Back Again

Returning to Brazil was an entirely unexpected opportunity. And by unexpected I mean it was one of those I-wish-I-could-go-back-but-there’s-no-way-that’ll-happen-this-year moments. Goodness, does God delight in surprising his children!

Dr. Pearson, a former professor of mine, who has been an incredible mentor to me far past graduation, invited me to join an undergraduate trip to Brazil, which he was coordinating. I went up to Charleston to sit in on one of the planning meetings and see what the students were about. The group was mainly comprised of business students who were members of an extracurricular business club that I co-led as a student. The motto of the organization was “A head for business, a heart for the world.” The group also included a Brazilian friend of one of the students and a faculty member’s spouse. The plan was to have a joint business/mission focus. The majority of the trip was to be spent in a village, Caicuau (Kye-Sou-Ah) (one I visited the first time I went to Brazil), with a few days in the city of Belem. The team would share in the Sunday worship service, host a three-day VBS in the village, present both on business skills and the Gospel in a few of the public schools, and also explore the opportunity to develop a furniture manufacturing business in the region.

As things tend to go (at least for me), the time between that first meeting and landing in Brazil was a whirlwind. I really wanted to go, but I knew purchasing that flight when I was about to take on grad school loans was just not wise. So after some prayer, I posted a message on Facebook about the opportunity, which is when so many of you responded. Thank you to a very special aunt for kickstarting that and to everyone else who gave :) Within less than two days, I had enough commitments to purchase my flight.

I arrived in Brazil earlier than the team, so that I could spend some time visiting with my friends Logan and Liz Bennett. They founded Global English, the only English school in Belem with native speakers for teachers, about two years prior. Logan is also a CSU grad, so he was coordinating the trip from the Brazilian side. Side note here, it was also the first time I got to meet their precious baby girl (I’m Aunt Em!).

Happily babysitting my first few hours back in Belem!

Once the team arrived, we made our way out to the village. Nothing ever seems to go according to plan on a trip like this, but I have to say God is always present in the details. Speaking in the schools didn’t work out (the teachers decided an additional holiday was in order, as cheering for Brazil in the World Cup was hard work). But we were able to add in a youth service for the teens and young adults, which had a great turnout and led to lots of new friendships!

Going into the trip, I honestly wasn’t sure exactly what my role was to be. Rather quickly, it became apparent that my role was to help facilitate the best trip possible both for these students and those we came to serve. Admittedly, being a facilitator instead of a student was a very different perspective for me. It was, however, no less impactful and challenging.

While in the village we stayed in an empty house. It had a kitchen with attached open breakfast space, two rooms, two bathrooms, and a wide porch that wrapped around three sides of the house. We hung our hammocks around the porch and set up our suitcases and supplies inside. One of my roles became setting out breakfast and starting the coffee for everyone, sweeping the floors and tidying up during the day, and washing the dishes before the water shut off at 7 pm (yes, the water shut off each evening and came back on early in the morning). Sure the students pitched in when time allowed, but their primary focus needed to be on relationship-building and/or digging into the nitty gritty of starting a business in Brazil. Dr. Pearson found his role in the mornings to be making sure we had drinkable water and enough food for the day’s meals.

During the Sunday service, a few of us, myself included, shared our testimonies. We did an activity with the kids and got to know the local people better. The morning of the next three days, we held a VBS for the kids. The faculty member’s spouse, Mrs. Cathy, who accompanied the team was really our VBS director. She had lessons, crafts, and prizes planned out for the kids. My familiarity with  VBS/camps/mission trip crafts came in quite handy, as Mrs. Cathy and I, along with whichever students hadn’t gone on the evening excursion, would prep the materials for the next day. This always turned into a precious time of learning about each other’s backgrounds and experiences.

After the first four days in the village, we headed back into the city to learn more about business formation in Brazil. On Thursday, we had the great privilege of meeting with a local lawyer and a local financial manager. This was also a chance for the students to glimpse the urban culture of Belem (I think the Belem standard of driving through red lights and honking the whole way through green lights -- just in case someone else is running the red light -- was most surprising to them).

We then made our way back to Santa Barbara, where we stayed with our Brazilian partner, Wilson, and his family. Wilson and his wife, Lelita, have been ministering in the Santa Barabara/Caicaua region for many years. He planted the church in Caicaua and continued to visit other more remote villages along the Amazon. On Friday, Wilson took us out on his boat to visit a couple of other villages.

Wilson’s boat.                                                                                                        Dr. Pearson and Mrs. Cathy packing the bags.

We made it to one village, where we thought we would be speaking in the school, only to find out the schoolboat had broken down, so the children were unable to make it to school. We hopped out of the boat and into a large canoe to go farther up the river.

Wilson on the way up the river.

Here it was a humbling opportunity to be welcomed into these people’s homes, which weren’t much more than a room or two, and always offered a refreshment and snack. For these people living on so little, giving up what they had to these nine strangers was no small gift. After walking through this village (which was mostly one large extended family) and visiting with people there, we made our way back to the first village. Some of the children and teachers had gathered to see us, despite the boat being broken. We handed out bags with soap, washcloths, toothbrushes and toothpaste, crayons and a few trinkets to each person. They especially loved the toothbrushes. We missed the tide and the boat became stuck in the low tide, so our short visit turned into an afternoon of playing with the children, talking with the adults, and helping out with unloading the day’s shipment of canned beverages up from a boat to the cantina near the school. I don’t think anyone minded stay longer quite that much :)

 

The village where the school boat was broken down.

   

This little dear wanted her hair braided like mine. 

We had too much fun playing hide-and-go-seek with her and a few other girls. She also learned to sing “God is so Good” in English quite quickly. So many people are eager to learn English, that it’s a great way to connect, despite the understanding barrier. 

We did eventually make it back out to the river and back to Wilson’s, where we gathered for a mouth wateringly delicious Brazilian steak dinner. Wilson and Lelita also showed us the slideshow of their ministry, it’s history and more on what they had been doing most recently. One reality I have come to see is that life as a missionary can be incredible heartbreaking and wearisome. I think the students came away with a greater sense of the challenges of life on the mission field, but they also were a shot of encouragement to both Wilson and Lelita and to Logan and Liz. I was so impressed with our selfless our students were, how they quickly bonded despite how very different they were (and many not knowing each other to much depth before the trip). They continuously stepped out of their comfort zones, trying to transverse the language barrier, laughing, listening, making fools of themselves just for the sake of connecting, pitching in wherever needed, and showing gratitude and respect to each person who hosted us. I couldn’t have asked for a better team to represent CSU and to serve (and be served) in Caicaua, Santa Barbara, and Belem. 

Each one of the students came because they want to have an impact on the world for God’s glory. For me, the greatest privilege of the trip was being able to pour into them as they sought to understand the cultural, social, and economic realities of the region, as well as place what they were learning in the greater context of what God was calling each one of them to do in their lives. That by far felt like the most meaningful way in which I was a part of this trip. I have had so many wonderful people pour into my life, and God has lead me through some crazy things that have tested and stretched my faith. I was so delighted to be able to encourage these students as they sought and continue to seek God’s leading. 

There are so many little stories I would love to share, but time just doesn’t allow me that now. Thank you to everyone who prayed and gave and encouraged along the way. Your participation has had ripple effects, that we won’t see in full until the other side of heaven, but know that God is definitely at work both in northeast Brazil and in the lives of many young American professionals as well. Thank you for being a part of this journey! 

Favorite moments:

1) Lea asleep in my arms my first hour back in Belem.
2) After the youth service, dancing with the girls in Caicuau (Kye-Sou-Ah) as the guys played Be-Eh-N-Je-O on the drums and guitars. Figure out the song yet? It’s B-I-N-G-O!

3) Racing one little boy around the school at the Ribeirinhos village, only to find out that we didn’t understand the “route” of our race. I’m pretty sure he changed it...lol.

4) Sitting atop Wilson’s boat and discussing career plans with Emmanuel.