Blessings

This is the song I referenced in the previous post.

First the song,

  


Then the backstory,




Finally, the redefining of "blessings"

What If Your Mercy Comes Through Raindrops?

I have a confession.... and a new lesson to share.  

Confession:  I don't like to write blogs when I don't feel like I have something of value to say.  When I don't feel a major epiphany or breakthrough or piece of insight has been given to me. Most of the time that's probably a good thing, but there's consistency that comes through the mundane. Relax, I'm not going to start detailing how I finally got my water heater to work. 

Confession #2: I'm drinking coffee again.  In limited doses.  But I figured staying awake at work was important.  

Ok, so to the lesson part.  

My intern, Tara, just wrote a blogpost based on what she's learning from the story of Jesus feeding the five thousand.  This is the same passage we covered on Sunday at International Church as we took communion and reflected on Christ's sacrifice for us and the life He has given us.  All that simply to admit that I just wasn't feeling very connected or feed or like God was really showing me as many answers as I would like.  And then the little lesson of this weekend came together and I gained a new perspective on that story.  What if Christ had sent the people away earlier knowing that they would get hungry?  But in his wisdom and sovereignty he allowed them to get hungry in a place where there were no "reasonable" options for food.  He knew.  He had a plan.  And His plan was good.  His plan displayed his glory.  But my guess is that when their stomachs started to grumble, the disciples probably just wanted some food.  

At some point this weekend, I was struck with how in this period of waiting and struggling to wait and getting frustrated in the waiting and knowing I need to just wait, how much I have been able to appreciate people and things in ways that I wouldn't have if life hadn't ever gotten just a little bit challenging.  

Point in case, my mom's friend from high school sent me a really encouraging note.  Completely random, but perfectly timed.  (Thanks, Mrs. Monty!)  How cool is it that God can use someone I've never met, and her experiences long before I knew her, to work here and now in me!

Or how incredible a friend do I have in B who pushes me and challenges me and encourages me (and makes dumb jokes when I'm trying to complain...)?  I wouldn't have fully appreciated that friendship, and how God has just blessed it, if I didn't ever have tough situations that I couldn't make sense of myself.  

In case you didn't know, I like hard things.  I really like hard things. I find myself, all too often, trying to prove to myself my ability to handle inhuman feats.  I try to prove this to my friends and their responses tend to be along these lines, "No Emily, you can't be the ocean."  or "Emily, you are human.  Humans require sleep and food.  Both of them." 

Anyways, the point I'm trying to make is that weakness not only allows us to see God's strength displayed and exhibited.  It also allows us to see his power and his presence and his faithfulness.  

The title of this post is taken from "Blessings," a new song written by Laura Story.  I'll attach the video links to the background story and the actual song in a follow-up post, but the lyrics go like this:

We pray for blessings, We pray for peace,

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep.

We pray for healing, prosperity,

We pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering.

All the while you hear each spoken need,

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops, 

What if your hearing comes through tears,

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near. 

And what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, your voice to hear.

We cry in anger we cannot feel your near.

We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love

As if every promise from your word is not enough.

And all the while you hear each desperate plea,

And long that we'd have faith to believe.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops,

What if your healing comes through tears,

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?

And what if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win,

We know that pain reminds this heart that this is not, 

This is not our home, It's not our home.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops, 

What if your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life 

Are the revealing of a greater thirst that this life can't satisfy?

What if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are your mercies in disguise?

"This is what the LORD says: "When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will  gather you from all the  nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." Jer. 29:10-14

I heard Mark Driscoll preach a sermon a while back that talked about our unanswered prayers. The point was that we pray with the intention of moving the hand of God, but his intent for prayer is to mold our hearts. This part really stood out to me, "And maybe you will see as you pray that things don't change and people don't change.  But you do. All of sudden you become, in character, increasingly more like God. You can't say this prayer didn't work because things didn't change and they didn't change. And God says, 'I love you.  And it did work.  And I wanted you to keep praying because I wanted you to change."  

So here's to the changes that happen while we wait for the changes we want. 

Much love,

Redeemed

I Will Sing of the Mercies of the LORD Forever, I will sing....I will sing...

The title is from Psalms 89:1, and but it's taken from a song I learned when I was a kid in children's choir.  It pops into my head all the time, and I find myself randomly singing it quite often.  I don't really know why I'm telling you that, except maybe to make the point that it connects the past with the present, and it reminds me of my mom, who I miss so very very much!

I'm so sorry I haven't written lately.  I've wanted to write, to update you on life, to give you some sort of a story to know where I am and what I'm doing, but I just haven't had the clarity or peace to do so.  The summer has gone by so quickly as I knew it would.  I'm really grateful now for having been able to take that trip to the Mediterranean.    This week has been good.  A solid good.  It's brought some much needed breakthroughs at work and allowed a little more peace and quiet.  And then there was paintball and a picnic in "the forest" (aka the woods) with my coworkers and their spouses/girlfriend. It was so much fun.  Here are a few pictures from paintballing. I'll put picnic pictures in a different post.

Cristina and me in our oversized paintball gear.....notice the tape!

We're thinking about hanging this picture in our office with the label "Delinquent Client Team."

The whole crew (don't strain your eyes, I was taking the picture). A few of the staff weren't able to make it. We were really hot in those outfits, but we had a great time.  L to R: Gregorie, his wife Marina, Dan, Cristina, Irina, Alina (Ghena's wife), Ghena, and Maxim.  

I have less than two months left in Moldova.  One of my best friends is constantly giving me grief about that.  He asked me the other day if I had it circled and starred on my calendar.  It's not starred... but I do have it marked (but hey, I'm likely to forget what day to show up at the airport)!

The truth is I don't know I'm supposed to feel about all of this.  What I do know is that I don't want to leave.  I don't want to leave my friends, my coworkers, this beautiful country. I really really want to see my family in person (not just through skype).  I want to see my brother's eyes light up and hear the excitement in his voice when he talks about school and the Wesleyan Foundation and his girlfriend Sarah.  I want to scoop up Elizabeth Grace in a big hug and finally be able to say and make good on my answers when she asks if we can do this or that or go here or there.  I want to spend hours sitting around the bar in the kitchen talking with my Daddy about career ideas and goals and projects over a cup of coffee.  And I want to hug all my adopted grandparents and go on drives with my best friends.  I miss my people.  Only, I know now that my circle has grown and coming home will mean missing other people as well.  

My boss has been trying to convince me to stay.  I wish I could. I'm just now fully settling into my place here.  I know what I'm supposed to doing at work (well, for the most part).  If I stayed I could do more projects and work more on learning the language.  I wish I had time for a hundred more coffee dates and taco nights and walks with my friends here.  See? Now I'm getting all sentimental. Sorry, it was bound to happen!

But I know it's time to move back for a while. And I'm so glad that God has given that peace.  Of course, I would love to know where I moving back to and what I'll be doing, but those answers will come in his time too.  At the moment what I know is this:  I've learned what he lead me here to learn and now it's time to go gain more experience and more education in the field that he is calling me too.  If I'm going to be ready for the place that he has give me a vision for, the calling he's placed within me, then I must seek out new opportunities for growth.  

I came to Moldova certain of very little.  I wanted to travel and I wanted to stay within the realm of business, but a faith-centered approach was my goal. I have this degree in finance so I thought maybe that's where I should go, but I didn't know what route was best.  So many people shared honestly and wisely with me, offering counsel and advice based on their years of experience.  For each person who was one of those people, I am forever grateful to you.  

I've decided I want to stay within international development.  It's fascinating, challenging, complex work. It's makes an impact, and when done well, it is so in a positive way.  Where in this field, I'm not quite sure.  I'd like to pursue project management certification (PMP) and eventually become a regional director.  I like the creative, intuitive side too much to stick to straight finance.  I love the relational aspects, working with people of all different backgrounds, positions, and needs.  So I'm applying for a wide variety of positions in a number of places to try and figure out how to get to those goals.

I'm starting to ramble. Bear with me, I'll make a point.

The two weeks prior to this one were incredibly hard for a whole host of reasons.  I won't bore you with details, just know it was incredibly hard.  My summer intern has had a hard time lately, but by God's grace, my rough high school years have given me a good understanding of the place that she's in.  It's wondering why am I here? why does it seem like everything I do is wrong? why do I feel so alone? why do I feel so incapable? It's the "Why Me?" stage.  Ask my mom, I've been there.

She'll pull through.  She'll hit a few more bumps in the road and probably have to cry a few more tears, but it's worth it to finally be able to move past that stage. So if you think about it, pray for Tara, because this stage is hard and unfriendly and so full of rampant emotions, but you can learn a lot in this stage, and as I'm learning, God can redeem anything for his glory.

Listening to Tara and watching this part of her journey, I've seen how my perspective has changed.  I'm just hoping this means my future kids won't turn out just like me.....

But praise the Lord, in the last five years, He's pruned and purged and taught me much more.  At the breaking point of my rough two weeks, I wanted to release some of my pent-up frustration and unvoiced fears, and though I would go for a run.  My attempt was slightly hampered by the water in our apartment unexpectedly being cut-off, so instead of a full run, I mostly walked and listened to music and continued a very honest conversation with God.

It went something like this, "God, I'm not so much scared of what will happen, although I am a little afraid.  But I know you'll provide, You've promised me that. I know it won't just be good or ok, it'll be the best.  Because You've promised that too.  I know that You love me, and I know that You are working all things for my good according to Your purpose.  You've shown me Your hand at work, when I felt useless, and I know You work even when I don't see it.  It's all for your glory, and You've got it under control.  But God, I just need a breakthrough. It feels like I'm just putting one foot in front of the other and pushing myself to go on. I feel like I've poured out and poured out. Lord, I've given You everything and what more? WHAT MORE do You want??"


Yes, I would call this the "What more?" stage.  Our questions are never too big or too hard for God to answer. But He knows that sometimes the answer we want isn't the answer we need.  This is the verse He showed me shortly there after,

"Thus says the LORD: 'Keep your voice from weeping, and your eyes from tears, for there is a reward for your work,' declares the Lord;"  Jeremiah 31:16  

This was the word the Lord declared to Jeremiah about the Israelites He had sent into exile.  A commentary by Ray Stedman identifies two perspectives of the book of Jeremiah, one of the disobedience, punishment and eventual restoration of Israel and the other of the journey of Jeremiah the prophet who was called to prophesy all of this.  Jeremiah had gone through the 'Why me?" stage too, but when this verse comes along we find him in a different stage. He was mourning the devastation of his people.  He had been obedient to God and prophesied the downfall of his own people even when it cost him much emotional and physical pain.

So why do I relate to this passage?  I don't feel like I'm suffering unworthily or grossly misunderstood, and I'm not asking "Why me?"  But Jeremiah had moments in his journey where he couldn't see the Lord breaking through, and he needed reassurance and strength from the Lord to continue.  That's where I was in my breaking point.  "There is a reward for your work..." was the reassurance I wanted too.  Not that I would be personally rewarded with some amazing prize (and not that Jeremiah received that either), but that it would all be worth it.  That God is and was working for His purpose and for His glory.

I know the answer to "why" is "for His glory."
I know He's got the "when" worked out too...even though sometimes I get really impatient.
But the "what more" is the hardest.


What more, Lord?  What new challenge do I have to face, what new weakness while I be shown, what new heartache will I face, what new joy will I see?  What more will you ask me to give?  What more of Your love and Your faithfulness, what more of YOU will You show me? 

Waiting.

You wanna sound off but you can't find the words to,

Nothing makes sense in the way that it used to.

Can't find the plus in the positive thinking,

The well's run dry and you're not done drinking.

Clouds start coming and the sky will fall.

Clock stares back from the bedroom wall.

Now you're breathing just to make it through the night

All you need is a sunrise, just a moment of dawn

If you're lost in the twilight, close your eyes and move on

When you're tired in the waiting, 

Even though it's gonna take you a little more time

Just a little more time, 

The sun's gonna find you.

Holding your days like a stack of paper

And you're chasing the wind as the pages scatter

You can save a few, but you can't get them all back.

So get out fast, with your heart in tact.

Find yourself on the very edge

Lying awake in an empty bed

Now you're breathing just to make it through the night

All you need is a sunrise, 

Just a moment of dawn

If you're lost in the twilight, 

Close your eyes and move on

When you're tired in the waiting, 

Even though it's gonna take you 

A little more time

Just a little more time, 

The sun's gonna find you

Just a little more time, 

The sun's gonna find you

Clouds start coming and the sky will fall.

Clock stares back from the bedroom wall.

Now you're breathing just to make it through the night

All you need is a sunrise, just a moment of dawn

If you're lost in the twilight, close your eyes and move on

When you're tired in the waiting, 

Even though it's gonna take you a little more time

Just a little more time, 

The sun's gonna find you.

Sunrise.  Brandon Heath.