It's Ain't Pretty Out There

I can't sleep.  I have to get this out before I miss it.

But first I need to make a confession: I battle with bouts of depression.

There. I said it. It scares me and shames me to admit that, but it's the  truth. It's easier to say it's the weather, or the fibromyalgia, or just mental weakness, stress, exhaustion you name it. But if I'm going to put it all there, I might as well confess that my conviction is that, at least for me, it's simply spiritual warfare.

Here's the thing, it doesn't come as some overriding, massive sad thought. It sneaks in as discontent, restlessness, and frustration over little things. Then when I stop to reflect and hopefully address the root of those feelings, I find myself questioning everything I feel called to and asking God why. Why does following him require so much? Why do we have to go so far? Why do I have to keep leaving the people I love? Why is it not all clear to me right now what You're doing? Why does it hurt so much sometimes?

Props must go to my mom here for listening to me stampede through the overflow of symptoms and always being willing to speak some tough love. If you don't have someone who will speak truth into your life, no matter how hard it is to hear, then you need to find that person. Now.

There have been plenty of times where I have lost sight of the bigger picture and focused on myself too much. That's a dangerous place to be. Ineffective, judgmental, self-absorbed, insecure. That's what you risk becoming in that place.

But praise be to God, I have been learning to defeat doubts and preoccupation with self by practicing 2 Corinthians 10:5, "Take every thought captive to obey Christ..." It works. God has given us His Spirit and, thereby, the power to do this. 2 Cor. 10:4-5 "For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ."

So this time when I called my mom, I had already been through these things in my mind. Do I need sleep? Am I just frustrated over little things because my expectations are misaligned? Am I going off on a pity party and forgetting how greatly blessed I am? Mama gave me the sage advice to think on what I'm thankful for and any complaints would fall to the side.

Well, yes, except that didn't convict me. And by that I mean, it didn't resonate with my spirit. There was a deeper, more persistent unsettledness within me, and I didn't know how to address it. I thought about all the rash, foolish things I could do to change my life, but well, quickly realized they were just that: rash and foolish. So I prayed that God would show me the truth.

I went to Bible study during work today (incredible opportunity and a praise in and of itself). We were studying 1 Timothy 4:1-8, which basically is instructions for the early church not to be caught up in the legalism and superstitions around them, but to recognize the freedom in their faith and the sovereignty of God. This one verse stood at to me: "For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, for it is made holy by the word of God and prayer." 1 Tim. 4:4-5.

This is where God began to show me some things. You see, while we were sitting there, I had worship music running through my mind, and for the past few weeks, I have just been completely overwhelmed and in awe of the opportunities and blessings God had poured out on me. So I didn't feel ungrateful. But I had stopped long enough to look around and question what I have spent the last two years in DC doing. It's an incredibly transient area. Just as you form strong relationships, friends seem to be caught up in the current of life and ripped away. It's just life here. Sometimes it's easier to accept than other times.

For me personally, it's been really hard to build a community. It is not all that difficult to find a community and become a part of it. But my call has not been one of exclusivity to one or even two communities, say work or church. I am called to be part of numerous communities across a global sphere, and I love this. I love working alongside my friends in Moldova, growing friendships across several countries and states, and the diversity of the people in my life. I've been given some crazy unique roles in which to serve God and people and I have no regrets or resentment that this my life.

But it's difficult to constantly slip in and out of so many different circles. There are weeks were every night I'm on the phone with a friend in a different part of the world. And then there are weekends where I don't speak to another soul, just due to schedules and disconnects. My point is that this is hard, yes, but I'm grateful for it. This is my choice.

So as I'm trying to navigate this recent unsettledness, this verse keeps flowing through my mind, "Even in laughter the heart may ache, and the end of joy may be grief." Proverbs 14:13 Joy doesn't equate to happiness. We can and should be continually grateful for the grace of God is sending Christ Jesus to redeem our lives from sin. But following God can be difficult and sometimes even mean heartache. Yet in the midst of the heartache, we know that God not only sees our pain, but understands it completely.

"Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:14-16 

Second, we must remember that we are called to obedience, no matter how hard that may seem.

"In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence. Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered. And being made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation to all who obey him, being designated by God a high priest after the order of Melchizedek." Hebrews 5:7-9

Finally, we find rest in obedience and trust in God. One of the ladies in Bible study prayed Philippians 4:6, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made know to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Read that again, but slowly.

My struggle comes from my fears of what I'm missing and what I fear never having. The next move I am looking at making would literally double the distance between my family and myself. It would be twice the distance from my community, that I very much love, back in GA. Is it wrong to feel the ache of distance? No, it just reflects the bond there. It would also be a decisively career-focused move, and as a twenty-four year old woman, it feels like a gamble against my desire to have my own family (as I'm typing Proverbs 16:33 comes to mind, "The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD."). But this is my calling. I do not believe that God intends for me to do this alone, but if I must, so be it. God is my portion.

If I truly have faith ("Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen…And without faith it is impossible to place him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him…by faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out…" Heb. 11:1,6,8), then I can step out in obedience and find rest in my God and his faithfulness to me. Now I read I Tim. 4:4-5 "For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, for it is made holy by the word of God and prayer, " and find myself recognizing the difficult decisions that are opportunities created by God, that he will use for his glory, when I bring them before him in praise asking guidance. I can live out Philippians 4:6, praying through the heartache, rejoicing in the opportunities, and resting in my blessed Savior and almighty God.

So my friend, brother, sister, "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful." Heb. 10:23