It's Ain't Pretty Out There

I can't sleep.  I have to get this out before I miss it.

But first I need to make a confession: I battle with bouts of depression.

There. I said it. It scares me and shames me to admit that, but it's the  truth. It's easier to say it's the weather, or the fibromyalgia, or just mental weakness, stress, exhaustion you name it. But if I'm going to put it all there, I might as well confess that my conviction is that, at least for me, it's simply spiritual warfare.

Here's the thing, it doesn't come as some overriding, massive sad thought. It sneaks in as discontent, restlessness, and frustration over little things. Then when I stop to reflect and hopefully address the root of those feelings, I find myself questioning everything I feel called to and asking God why. Why does following him require so much? Why do we have to go so far? Why do I have to keep leaving the people I love? Why is it not all clear to me right now what You're doing? Why does it hurt so much sometimes?

Props must go to my mom here for listening to me stampede through the overflow of symptoms and always being willing to speak some tough love. If you don't have someone who will speak truth into your life, no matter how hard it is to hear, then you need to find that person. Now.

There have been plenty of times where I have lost sight of the bigger picture and focused on myself too much. That's a dangerous place to be. Ineffective, judgmental, self-absorbed, insecure. That's what you risk becoming in that place.

But praise be to God, I have been learning to defeat doubts and preoccupation with self by practicing 2 Corinthians 10:5, "Take every thought captive to obey Christ..." It works. God has given us His Spirit and, thereby, the power to do this. 2 Cor. 10:4-5 "For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ."

So this time when I called my mom, I had already been through these things in my mind. Do I need sleep? Am I just frustrated over little things because my expectations are misaligned? Am I going off on a pity party and forgetting how greatly blessed I am? Mama gave me the sage advice to think on what I'm thankful for and any complaints would fall to the side.

Well, yes, except that didn't convict me. And by that I mean, it didn't resonate with my spirit. There was a deeper, more persistent unsettledness within me, and I didn't know how to address it. I thought about all the rash, foolish things I could do to change my life, but well, quickly realized they were just that: rash and foolish. So I prayed that God would show me the truth.

I went to Bible study during work today (incredible opportunity and a praise in and of itself). We were studying 1 Timothy 4:1-8, which basically is instructions for the early church not to be caught up in the legalism and superstitions around them, but to recognize the freedom in their faith and the sovereignty of God. This one verse stood at to me: "For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, for it is made holy by the word of God and prayer." 1 Tim. 4:4-5.

This is where God began to show me some things. You see, while we were sitting there, I had worship music running through my mind, and for the past few weeks, I have just been completely overwhelmed and in awe of the opportunities and blessings God had poured out on me. So I didn't feel ungrateful. But I had stopped long enough to look around and question what I have spent the last two years in DC doing. It's an incredibly transient area. Just as you form strong relationships, friends seem to be caught up in the current of life and ripped away. It's just life here. Sometimes it's easier to accept than other times.

For me personally, it's been really hard to build a community. It is not all that difficult to find a community and become a part of it. But my call has not been one of exclusivity to one or even two communities, say work or church. I am called to be part of numerous communities across a global sphere, and I love this. I love working alongside my friends in Moldova, growing friendships across several countries and states, and the diversity of the people in my life. I've been given some crazy unique roles in which to serve God and people and I have no regrets or resentment that this my life.

But it's difficult to constantly slip in and out of so many different circles. There are weeks were every night I'm on the phone with a friend in a different part of the world. And then there are weekends where I don't speak to another soul, just due to schedules and disconnects. My point is that this is hard, yes, but I'm grateful for it. This is my choice.

So as I'm trying to navigate this recent unsettledness, this verse keeps flowing through my mind, "Even in laughter the heart may ache, and the end of joy may be grief." Proverbs 14:13 Joy doesn't equate to happiness. We can and should be continually grateful for the grace of God is sending Christ Jesus to redeem our lives from sin. But following God can be difficult and sometimes even mean heartache. Yet in the midst of the heartache, we know that God not only sees our pain, but understands it completely.

"Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." Hebrews 4:14-16 

Second, we must remember that we are called to obedience, no matter how hard that may seem.

"In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence. Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered. And being made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation to all who obey him, being designated by God a high priest after the order of Melchizedek." Hebrews 5:7-9

Finally, we find rest in obedience and trust in God. One of the ladies in Bible study prayed Philippians 4:6, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made know to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Read that again, but slowly.

My struggle comes from my fears of what I'm missing and what I fear never having. The next move I am looking at making would literally double the distance between my family and myself. It would be twice the distance from my community, that I very much love, back in GA. Is it wrong to feel the ache of distance? No, it just reflects the bond there. It would also be a decisively career-focused move, and as a twenty-four year old woman, it feels like a gamble against my desire to have my own family (as I'm typing Proverbs 16:33 comes to mind, "The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD."). But this is my calling. I do not believe that God intends for me to do this alone, but if I must, so be it. God is my portion.

If I truly have faith ("Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen…And without faith it is impossible to place him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him…by faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out…" Heb. 11:1,6,8), then I can step out in obedience and find rest in my God and his faithfulness to me. Now I read I Tim. 4:4-5 "For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, for it is made holy by the word of God and prayer, " and find myself recognizing the difficult decisions that are opportunities created by God, that he will use for his glory, when I bring them before him in praise asking guidance. I can live out Philippians 4:6, praying through the heartache, rejoicing in the opportunities, and resting in my blessed Savior and almighty God.

So my friend, brother, sister, "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful." Heb. 10:23

 

Unwavering Hope

Hebrews 10:23

 "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, 
for he who promised is faithful." 

First off, I've been terrible about writing this year.  I was struck today by how early we still are in the year. Maybe it's just the reluctance of the cold weather to leave this area that makes the time seem so long, but we are only two and a half months into 2013.  It's already been filled with so much. 

Confession: I thought that I had to have it all together to make any sense here.

For me, the last few months have been a story of mostly trying to figure things out and determine what my next steps should be. And by I don't mean an occasional thought of what should I do next. No, I mean wrestling full out with what I should do next. It's been hard. 

The verse above has quickly proven to be a theme verse for this year.  Not just for me as I try and sort through my own sea of questions, but for every single person I've meet whether for a brief moment or to hopefully journey with through the next few years of life. More than anything, we need this message of hope. Unwavering hope.  

God's timing is significant and intentional. It is not by accident that this lesson of unwavering hope is becoming more and more real to be as the season of Lent draws to a close. 

What is this hope?  Its laid out in Hebrews 10:12-14, "But when Christ had offered for all time a single sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God, waiting from that time until his enemies should be made a foot stool for his feet. For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified." See also 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24.

This hope is that my sin is paid for, erased, no longer held against me. I am perfected by his sacrifice.  It is also that death has been conquered. Chris arose. He sits at God's right hand, until the day of judgement when righteousness and justice is finally executed on the earth. This is the hope that this earth we trod is not the beginning and ending of our existence. Our purpose is not contained in the clothes we wear, the titles we bear, our jobs, our salaries, our visible impact on the world. Our purpose is eternal: to glorify God. His perspective on our situations, on whatever battle you've been dealing with, whatever glad moment you are rejoicing in, and whatever breakthrough you've been praying for, is eternal.` And he urges us to have this same perspective: "If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." Colossians 3:1-4 (See also 2 Corinthians 4:16-18;10:3-5).  

When Easter arrives, we will throw off the "mourning clothes." We will end our fasts, and we will celebrate the victory Christ has won over death and the hope for eternal life that provides to each one of us who believes. It's been a really challenging thing to participate in Lent, but it's also been a constant reminder that we are seeking something more than the temporal comforts of life. 

And in the midst of this season, the theme has been hope. 

"For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the Living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe." 1 Timothy 4:10

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." Romans 15:13

My friend, I pray whatever your circumstances right now, that you will take a few moments and ask God to simply remind you of the hope that is yours through his Son, Jesus Christ. You may be surprised how it trickles and even overflows into every other part of your life, even the most practical and mundane of tasks. 

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12

Hope is Found

I love this verse:

"Light is sown for the righteous, and joy for the upright in heart." Psalm 97:11

"Light is sown" is also translated "Light dawns for."  At the start of each new year, I like to take some time to reflect on the past year, all the adventures, the moments that challenged my core, and the triumphs and breakthroughs.  Plus, I tend to have more than my share of misadventures to reflect on.  For this moment, this is my verse.  Over the past few months, I have seen the light dawn.  This year, instead of recounting the tales of 2012, I want to celebrate the breakthroughs.

One of the commentaries, I read on this verse expounded on the term "sown" explaining that the word means scattered. The light is scattered.  Like the sea of candles at a Christmas Eve service, or a firework bursting in the sky, the light is scattered across the dark.  When we see just a spark or a single candle, the glow can be dim, sometimes even sad in it's loneliness in the vast darkness, but the combination of lots of little lights results in something beautiful and striking.

My new year started with a light show, both literally and figuratively (and yes, the picture above is from our country fireworks shoot off).

God has answered so many prayers recently.  Not that he hadn't heard them the first time.  I think he was answering all along, but it wasn't until recently that I was able to see his hand so evidently. So here are some of the scatterings of light:

Did I happen to mention I have a new job? Yeah, I do. And it's amazing. Through a crazy series of events, that I may relate in a separate blog, I was offered a position at the International Monetary Fund. The IMF is a UN institution that serves to "ensure the stability of the international monetary system-the system of exchange rates and international payments that enables countries (and their citizens) to transact with one other. This system is essential for promoting sustainable economic growth, increasing living standards, and reducing poverty (www.imf.org/external/np/exr/facts/glance.htm)." Basically, it's a pretty cool place for me to work.  It was an adjustment in roles, but I love the diversity.  It's also an ideal position from which to learn more about the topics I'm specifically interested in.

It was in anticipation of this type of position that I moved to D.C. Through the course of the year, I wrestled with a lot of doubt over whether leaving Moldova was the right choice, and whether I was on the right track, but God is faithful.  He knew exactly when I needed to have the job I desired, and he provided all along the way.

When I first moved to D.C. in October 2011, I told God that I had to have a job by January, or I would be broke and have to move back home.  He provided a temporary job for December and, in the middle of December, provided a permanent position that started on January 3. In the beginning, the job was intriguing and challenging, but it wasn't in my field of interest. I begged God to provide a different job.  I confessed that I didn't want to be there a year and would really love to have a different job around November. I started my current job in mid-November.  Hey, God is ok with very specific prayers!

I prayed for a church that understood our primary purpose here is to love God and love people.  I walked into Cherrydale that first Sunday to a banner that said, "Our mission is to spread a passion to love God and people above all else." Come to find out, they don't just say that, they mean it!

I have seen God bring about radical changes in the perspectives of some of my closest friends. He has provided promotions and new jobs to friends, and the opportunity for one to finally be able to return to university. He brought healing and relief to Logan, my "other brother" who lives and works in Brazil, when doctors discovered a tumor in his knee. He is back in Brazil with his crazy amazing wife, and together they've launched an English school that has quickly taken off.

He has brought a few really incredible new friends into my life, something I'd been praying for in this city, and new opportunities to use my skills to serve within my community.

Finally, after the ups and downs of this past year, I am at peace with where I am, content that this is exactly where I should be and what I should be doing for now, and so happy with life.

Psalm 92:1-4 says,

"It is good to praise the LORD 

and make music to your name, O Most High,

to proclaim your love in the morning and your faithfulness at night, 

to the music of the ten-stringed lyre and the melody of the harp.

For you make me glad by your deeds, O LORD;

I sing for joy at the works of your hands."

This is my testimony, that my God, the Lord God, is faithful and true.  His love is steadfast, and he is truly working all things together for the good of those who love him.  I am blessed beyond measure.  

Hoping that you see the scattered lights this year too,

Emily