I have much deeper thoughts to share and more insights, but I just wanted to say how excited I am to be coming home. To those of you who have prayed and given and written, you are amazing. Thank you.
Many of you may know already that I was presented a couple of weeks ago with the opportunity to extend my term in Moldova. It was an incredible offer. My boss came to me with the idea, explaining that if I were interested he would pursue the funding for me to stay. Of course, my mind just started spinning with a whole lot of different thoughts. I'd said I would love to stay if I only had the funds and the time to see my family. He's willing to pursue the funds?! Another mental decision I had made was that I wouldn't pursue support from our partners. If it were supposed to happen they would come to me. Ok, so admittedly I was laying out the wool, but suddenly the reasons I had for not staying seemed to disappear.
Trying to keep these thoughts at bay, I listened to my boss continue. He needed to know, in as much detail as I could provide, what I would require to stay. But because one of our partners starts their budgeting process in September and Gh was leaving for vacation the next day, he really needed to know by the end of the day. What a way to start a Monday morning, right?
Immediately my overly analytical, list-making, type A self started planning. As my position would be modified, what were the professional requirements I would need to stay? I pulled up my budget from the past year and figured out the expenses. Would I need a new apartment, a new roommate? I could think about that later. Hmm....guess I shouldn't have given away my winter clothes so soon. I could study more Romanian. I could get a tutor again. Maybe I'll be fluent then.
I was completely overwhelmed. I stopped and prayed. It's a lot harder than it sounds to give things completely over to God, especially when people are awaiting a decision from you. As it was still only about 10 am, the United States wasn't quite awake yet, so I had a skype conversation with a friend here. She's extended her time in Moldova a couple of times and understands both the draw to stay and the pull to return home. I knew no one could tell me to stay or to turn down the proposal, but there are moments where I would really like a prophet to walk into my life and just tell me what should happen.
Of course that didn't happen. What did happen: I emailed my list to my boss and told him if the funds were there I would love to stay for six more months. I attempted to focus on my work the rest of the day, but this game-changer was weighing on me heavily. Talked to another friend. She said, "You're young, you're single, you're not tied down, why not?"
As the sun rolled westward and more friends started to appear online, I called a couple more. My dear cousin Jason surprised me a bit with his reaction: "What?! No! You've already been over there too long anyways." Hah, ok.
Somewhere during the day I realized I was about to answer the question so many people here had asked, "Are you going to pull a Meredith and stay longer?" To which I had repeatedly said no....
I called B and waited to see the reaction on his face. His first words, "You want to stay another winter there?!! I mean if it were summer I'd say do it, but another winter?!" Haha, thank you for that.
When six o'clock finally rolled around, I went home to my empty apartment. And then I cried. Actually I don't remember the chain of events, I just remember not sleeping, not wanting to eat, and crying. Haha, I sound like a colicky baby. Anyways, I called my mom to tell her about the possibility of me staying. I was totally expecting her to protest, but I didn't want to accept it and spring it on them when I came home in September. "Hi, Mama, Daddy, I've missed you this year, Oh btw, I'm only home for three weeks. I've decided to stay in Moldova." Cruel, right?
Only she didn't protest. She got quiet, which with my internet situation made me think we'd been disconnected, and then she said, "Ok." OK? OK???? Huh. That was unexpected.
Everything I had thought would make it clear whether I should stay or go, just made it all the more unclear. The finances would be taken care of. I would visit my family for a few weeks before extending. They were ok with it. I could still look for a job. All the barriers I had seen were suddenly gone. But I didn't have peace.
For two days I was restless. Barely slept. When I did sleep I had nightmares about my brother. Barely ate. And both nights, at the slightest thought of home, of the hugs that would carry the weight of only a temporary visit, the thought of missing Evan moving along in his college adventures, not having entire days to go do something fun with Elizabeth Grace, wondering if my "adopted grandparents" would stay well.....so many thoughts like this...I would cry. I've cried from loss before, from hurt before, from disappointment and exhaustion before, but over such uncertainty, the feeling that these moments were just beyond my grasp...I'd never had such a gnawing hole in my gut. And that's what it felt like.
So finally, Wednesday morning, I turned where I should have all along. I shut everything else out. And I prayed. I'm still realizing the lesson that God doesn't ask us to pray so that He knows what we want or need. He wants us to pray so that He can give us His heart.
B had carefully asked me, "Are you sure you're not staying just because it's safe?"
I didn't want to really answer that question. Whenever it popped up in my mind, I dismissed it with "No, it makes sense to stay."
Anyways, Wednesday morning, I opened My Utmost for His Highest and read Tuesday's devotional (did you really expect me to be reading Wednesday's?), "Is the Lord Jesus Christ being abundantly satisfied by your life, or are you exhibiting a walk of spiritual pride before him? never let your common sense become so prominent and forceful that it pushes the Son of God to one side. Common sense is a gift that God gave to our human nature - but common sense is not the gift of His Son."
And then I knew that I was fighting Him. I didn't want to walk out blindly again. I was scared to move back with no job, to face what that could mean. Of course, I also wasn't trusting that He is God. That He holds time in His hand. That he knows exactly what job I need and when I need it, and not having a job right when I get home doesn't mean I won't ever become what I thought He was showing me.
Laura, an incredible blessing of a best friend, told me around that time, "Let God be God. Stop trying to do His job." She was right. My God is sovereign and what He has planned for me, He will bring to fruition. Reminded me of the verse I hit at Christmas time, "Blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her of the Lord." Luke 1:45.
I was slowing allowing myself to consider turning down the offer. Going home.
When I got to work and checked my email, another friend had sent me a devotional. He said, "I don't know why but I think this may help as you make this decision." It was on how we shouldn't ignore our inmost desires because those are often something God has given us and that He wants to use for His glory. Then I let myself say it out loud, "I'm going home."
I finally had peace. I knew I was supposed to go home, but it had made me feel better to say there were concrete reasons why I couldn't stay. But God doesn't get the glory through that. He gets the glory when I step out in faith despite all the logical answers, all the practical reasons to do otherwise. He gets the glory, because when He provides the better answers later on, it's clear that it was only through Him.
So 18 days and I'll be wrapping my arms around my Mama and Daddy. I can't wait to visit my best friends, for shopping errands and coffee dates and girl talk too. I'm so excited to hang out with my favorite six year old. Can hardly wait to see the boy at UGA. So so many plans, and while the pieces aren't in place for a job yet or a city to move to, God's going to take care of that. For now, I'm taking it as His blessing to be able to spend time with my friends and family.
I won't stop blogging. This wasn't ever about Moldova anyway. It's about this journey of life :)
"I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land.
Make straight the paths that crooked lie,
Oh Lord before these feet of mine...
Oh Lord before these feet of mine..."
from Your Hands by JJ Heller
Blessings :)
I can NOT wait. I want you right now. But I must mention that you left your sister out of this homecoming completely. She is looking forward to having you home.
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